Caring for a partner in palliative care is one of the most profound and exhausting things a person can do. If someone you love is walking this path, you may be wondering how to help — and the fact that you’re asking that question already says so much about you. This guide comes from my lived experience, and it’s written for the helpers who want to get it right, and for the carers who deserve to be truly supported.

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Show Up Practically, Not Just Emotionally

The most helpful people are those who just do things without asking. “Let me know if you need anything” puts the burden back on the carer. Instead, the best helpers drop off a meal, mow the lawn, or grab groceries without being asked.

Specific Offers Are Gold

“I’m going to the shops on Thursday — what do you need?” or “I’m making a lasagne, I’ll drop one to you” is infinitely more helpful than a general offer. Specific and practical beats vague and open-ended every time.

Understand That Things Can Change in an Instant

Palliative care is a fluid and unpredictable situation. It changes rapidly. What is agreed to one day may need to change the next — not because anyone has changed their mind, but because the person who is unwell may be overwhelmed, exhausted, or simply having a harder day than expected. If plans change at the last minute, please don’t take it personally or say “but you said it was okay.” Flexibility and understanding aren’t optional extras — they’re essential.

Please Don’t Suggest Alternative Treatments

At end stage, this is not helpful — even if it comes from a place of love and good intentions. The carer will already be juggling endless options from a range of experts. Suggesting a new remedy, diet, or therapy implies that the person and their medical team haven’t already thoroughly explored every option available to them. They have. Trust that. What is needed now is comfort, quality of life, and dignity — not another Google search.

Don’t Judge the Choices Being Made

If someone at end stage wants to eat foods with sugar, fat, or anything else they enjoy — please don’t comment on it. When curative treatment is no longer the focus, joy and comfort become the priority. A piece of cake or a favourite meal can bring genuine happiness, and that matters enormously. Support the choices being made, don’t question them.

Don’t Disappear

Many people pull away because they don’t know what to say. Showing up — even quietly — matters more than you know. Just be normal. The carer yearns for a sense of normality and routine when all other options are out of their control.

Don’t Make It About You

Avoid sharing stories about other people’s cancer experiences or saying things like “I don’t know how you do it”.  That puts pressure on the carer to reassure you. This is not the time for that.

Sit in the Uncomfortable

The best supporters don’t try to fix things or find silver linings. They just sit with the carer in the hard moments without rushing to make it better. Sometimes presence is everything.

Respect the Need for Silence

Sometimes the carer doesn’t want to talk about it at all. Good supporters follow their lead and let them talk about normal, everyday things if that’s what they need. Not every conversation needs to be heavy.

Help With the Invisible Load

Admin, phone calls, appointments, dealing with paperwork — these quiet tasks are exhausting and often completely overlooked. Offering to take even one of these off someone’s plate is an enormous gift.

Check In Consistently. Not Just at the Start

Support often floods in at the beginning and then drops away. The people who check in weeks and months later are often the ones who matter most. Keep showing up, even when the initial wave of attention has passed.

Ask What the Carer Needs too. It’s not just the Patient that would like a hand

Ask how they are doing — not just how their partner is. Carers are so often invisible in these situations, and being seen and acknowledged as a person who is also going through something enormous can make a world of difference.

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If you are walking alongside someone in this situation, thank you for wanting to do it well. It means more than words can say.