Resilience is my superpower

Recently, I started reading “Expected Loss – Coping with Anticipatory Grief” by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt. One of his key recommendations in the six stages of mourning is to write about your feelings. This exercise not only offers clarity but also allows for emotional release. Here’s a glimpse into my own experience, divided into the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Good:

While grief is often viewed through a lens of loss and sadness, there are silver linings that come with this period of reflection:

• Re-evaluating Life: Facing this journey together has given us the opportunity to re-evaluate our lives and set our priorities straight. When our children were smaller, we worked separate shifts but were aiming for a common goal. Sometimes it felt that we were ships in the night passing each other with a 15 minute window and we had separate interests. Cancer has brought us together in a way that we couldn’t have anticipated.
  We’ve done so many things that we had been putting off or thought we couldn’t justify the expense.
• True Colours: I’m grateful that some people have revealed their true selves, allowing us to see who really stands by our side. Whilst this was earth shattering at the time, I now feel grateful that happened. Our daughters have stepped up and understood the importance of life and how we’d like to live it. I’m thankful that they are such a source of tremendous support.
• New Networks: With time, we’ve built a network of friends and support that we didn’t expect. It’s been a source of great joy and deeper connections. More than I ever imagined. The children’s book industry, local business network Tammy’s Table, prostate cancer support groups and members of the Thermomix® community have been fabulous with their empathy.
• Resilience: I’ve discovered that resilience is now my superpower. This prostate cancer diagnosis has shown me strength I didn’t know I had. Added to Ian’s illness I’ve also had to face the death of my father, brother and sister in the same period. If you’ve been in a similar position, you would know, you just have to keep going on.

The Bad:

But with the good, comes undeniable pain, anger, and frustration (oh so much frustration!):

• Anger at the Future: I’m angry that the future I envisioned no longer exists. Plans I was excited about are no longer possible. Travelling around the country in the caravan seems impossible to imagine now.
• Financial Stress: Financial worries have added a weight of stress that’s hard to shake. Relying on commission income based on team performances and the uncertainty of that, was a huge contributing factor in my decision to step down as a Thermomix® Team Leader. I’d love to take Long Service Leave and have a break but I also want my current lifestyle to continue too. The shoe addiction won’t feed itself.
• Jealousy: Watching others pursue their dreams, especially travel plans, triggers enormous feelings of jealousy. It’s not that I’m not joyful for others, it’s hard to push the jealousy down and suck it up. Bali was “our place” and we have been there many times. We even considered moving there for a brief period. It’s difficult to accept that we can no longer go there together as Ian is not covered by travel insurance.
• Discomfort: Life can feel uncomfortable and disorienting. The constant worry and imagination of worst-case scenarios creep in when I’m not keeping myself busy. We quote the line from Kindergarten Cop “it’s not a tumour” when Ian feels a bit off but there’s a sense of “but what if it is?”

The Ugly:

There’s a depth of emotional complexity that is hard to talk about but is essential to acknowledge. I am an absolute expert at the deflect but underneath simmering is happening with these issues:

• Feeling Unseen: Often, people only ask how Ian is, and while their concern is appreciated, I can feel unseen. This quickly turns into guilt for seeking attention when what he is facing is far more important than what my life is.
• Exhaustion: The constant pivoting with treatments and the disease is draining. I’m worn out.
• Conflicted Emotions: Before Ian’s cancer diagnosis, I sometimes dodged his romantic advances. Now, I feel unattractive to him as he no longer has the same desires, which leaves me feeling conflicted.
• Guilt: The guilt is overwhelming at times. I want to be uplifting for Ian, but inside, I have my own emotional battles that I can’t always set aside.

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Grief is not a linear process, and anticipatory grief adds another layer of complexity as you mourn for the future that won’t come to pass. Writing about it helps to make sense of these emotions, and for anyone going through something similar, I encourage you to give yourself the grace to feel all of it—both the good and the bad.

Let’s continue this conversation about how to navigate these difficult emotions and share what has helped you cope.